I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm feeling a variety of emotions about tomorrow. There are things I'm excited for and things I'd rather not think about. And to be honest, it still feels a little surreal. Like this has all just been a joke because there is no way I'm actually about to give birth to a real live human being... right?! Sure we've been trying and planning and preparing for this day for the last 2+ years, but now that its here it just doesn't seem real. I mean, I haven't even felt a contraction (not even a braxton hicks one) yet. I'm sure that will all change when reality hits at the hospital.
Lets start with the things I'm excited for, because if I dwell too much on the others I get overwhelmed.
- I'll start with the obvious. Meeting the little one that has been growing inside of me for 9 months! Hearing her first noises, feeling her skin against mine, watching her breath and open her eyes. Holding her for the first time and the second time and the third and the fourth... you get the picture.
- Looking at her and being able to see features of the man I love more than anything. She is bound to be adorable. Half me and half her daddy and knowing her sweet spirit was meant to be in our family.
- Watching my body do what it knows how to do and experiencing the miracle of child birth the best way I can. I don't have any strong preferences about how I want tomorrow to go and mostly I'm trying to have an open mind about everything. I know I can't control a lot of what happens, but I can give my best effort. I'm just very intrigued about the whole process and interested to see how it plays out. My doctor is very "hands off" and has told me she doesn't plan on intervening unless necessary so I'm hoping things go smoothly.
- Seeing what my body is capable of with regard to pain tolerance. It might be 5 minutes, it might be 5 hours or it might be the whole time. Only time will tell. I feel no shame in the possibility of needing an epidural, for the record.
- Feeling her hand grasp my finger, even through it is just an natural reflex, I can wait to interact with her in the simple ways.
- Watching the look on Brett's face as he see's her for the first time. In an instant he will be come a father and I know the new role will suit him well.
- Spending three days with my husband while he plays hookie from work
- Not being pregnant anymore. Because lets be honest, even though it has been fun to feel the baby move, hiccup, and karate chop me... I'm ready to be done. Also being able to bend over, carry heavy things, and not bump into things as often will be nice. And most importantly, I am hoping my body decides to cool itself off once she is out. Being pregnant in the heat of a Houston summer was rough (although for the record, it has been beautiful this weekend due to an unexpected "cold front"), but the worst part was when I was sitting in my air conditioned home, doing nothing, wearing minimal clothing and still burning up.
- The challenge that will be raising a child. I'm sure I won't always been excited about this but it is in my personality to enjoy figuring things out. And if raising a child involves anything, it involves figuring a bunch of things out!
Things I'd rather not think about:
- How fragile my body can be during times of stress. I've always been a little bit of a light weight and will get sick if I don't eat enough/eat too much/eat the wrong foods. Or there are the times they had to take my blood and I practically pass out even though I'm not actually scared of the needle. Or how about how I get a headache at the slightest sign of being thirsty/tired/stressed/etc. I'm more worried about getting the IV in then anything.
- The aftermath of the whole process. Regardless of how she ends up coming there will be recovery time and that involves pain and discomfort. I'm okay with the idea of short term pain but do not like the idea of extended issues.
- The possibility that our baby girl will not handle labor well. Labor is already tough on babies but because of her small size she is more at risk for complications due to contractions. I can't bear the thought of her struggling inside of me. I know that at some point I'll have to come to terms with the fact that I can't protect her from everything, but I'm not ready for that to happen day one.
- Sleep. Or lack there off. How are we even supposed to function on a newborn sleep schedule?
- Life as we know it changing forever. While I'm sure this will be a great thing, it is still a change. And change can be hard, especially when I feel like we don't even know what to expect. I am definitely excited for the future of our family but it also gets overwhelming to think about all that is about to change.
When I worked for Child Protective Services I often had to do things that seemed impossible at first. I would get overwhelmed just thinking about what I needed to do. Then one day I read a quote (probably on pinterest) that said. It always seems impossible until its done. Now this quote isn't exactly motivational. It doesn't bring you warm fuzzies. But it resonated with me when I read it and has really stuck with me. I can relate to it because on multiple occasions I have done things that at one point seemed impossible. So when I remind myself of this quote I am reminded that I AM capable and that just because the task ahead seems daunting does not mean that I should fear it. I've done the impossible before and I can do it again. And with that, I'm off to do the impossible. I mean, seriously, the whole birthing process? Where you have to push something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a grape. Yeah. Sounds fun.
And for fun, here is our last "family of 2" picture (sorry about the weird shadow on Brett's face, it almost looks like I photoshopped him in, but its just a reflection off the mirror next to us)
This picture is me standing up as straight as I can and "sucking" it in. Where did the baby go?!
That picture is not realistic. But here is a collage of my pictures to show my growth over time to prove that I did actually grow.
